I love reading other peoples blogs because a lot of them give me insight into myself that I may not have ever gotten. Each of my friends gives me thought about different aspects of my life; things like my kids, my husband, being a mom, etc… Reading blogs helps me put my life into perspective and prioritize in a way I wouldn’t without having read their thoughts. I guess you could say I am voyeuristic- I peep into others’ lives… and for a moment I see something that only I could see, at that moment in time. Lately I have been thinking a lot about time and how it seems to tick away second by second- sometimes without my even realizing it. The other morning I was laying in bed thinking about something, I don’t even remember what, but all of a sudden, moments of my child’s life past before me until he was grown. I don’t remember the events- it came and went so quickly and yet it entranced me for a brief moment and when it was over, it startled me. It got me thinking even more about what I am doing with my time and how when those seconds pass away, I don’t get them back- not even one second of it. That moment has been with me for almost a week and I can’t get it out of my mind. I have to think it was or is a personal revelation, an epiphany, of some sort. My children
are a joy and yet I sometimes get so wrapped up in myself that I forget that. I was gone for a little over 24 hours last weekend at Time out for Women. The hours were filled with motivational, inspirational, spiritual, uplifting words and suggestions on finding joy in our lives, despite being surrounded by so much negativity. I found myself thinking a lot about my children and my husband. What am I doing to show them the joy they give me? Am I getting so caught up in myself that I am losing sight of what is most important to me? I found myself this week putting more effort into making little moments make a lasting impression. I found 
myself playing Candyland with Nicholas, even though he didn’t want to play by the rules. I found myself snuggling up with Natalee, reading a book and singing songs and just letting her know she is loved, the way she needs to be told. I found myself spending more quality time helping Alex with spelling and other aspects of homework. I found myself taking time to sit down for tiny moments with David and talk with him- without rushing off to do something else. This is not to say I didn’t find time for myself too. I spent time running mile after mile, listening to my old school walkman, thinking in my head, making goals for the day to day stuff. I was able to do some scrapbooking. I was able to talk on the phone, I was able to read, I cleaned my house- including the bathrooms. Yet in all this “work” I found joy. Joy in knowing I was doing something productive, Joy in knowing I was creating lasting moments, Joy in knowing that I am a work in progress, Joy in knowing I am the mother of 3 beautiful children, Joy in knowing my husband sees the “real me” and loves me in spite of it,
Joy in the relationships I have established past and present, Joy in the knowledge I have of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and the hope that comes in having that as a guidance in my life, Joy in the glimpses I have that remind me of my joy and help me to get back on track. I am so happy with my life and while things around me want to take that joy from me I know what I need to do to be at peace and keep that joy in the forefront of my mind. I need to stay focused on those things that bring me joy- my husband, my kids, my friends and the gospel of Jesus Christ. I need to take the focus off myself and put it on others’ and their happiness- in return I am happy and full of joy. So thanks to my friends and family who give me those reminders and help me to become the best me I can be.
I finished the Twilight series- I started writing this long drawn out piece on why I like the book and well…it can all be summed up with just a few words. I liked that Bella accomplished what I hope to accomplish in just a few years- she went from being a selfish, all about me, young woman to a selfless, all about “we” woman. I guess that is what happens when you “grow up” in a matter of a few years. She recognized the talents she had and used them to protect those she loved rather than use them to save her. I could go into this long drawn out analysis but really my take on it only matters to me. I figure that those who read it will take what they need to out of it as it pertains to them at that time in their lives. I loved the passion she and Edward had for each other and I loved that she opened herself up, at the end, to allow him to see her innermost thoughts. I wonder if I am willing to do the same, but what a beautiful scene to play over and over in my mind. I know a lot of people who wanted there to be a big battle at the end and for someone to pay for the heartache they had experienced. However, I liked how it all ended. I guess I am more of a passivist than a warrior and I loved how everyone coming together as one, against their enemies, defeated them. Without each other they would have all failed and lives would have been lost. Unity is the only thing that will win in this world of chaos. There are so many power hungry, greedy, selfish souls that will do anything to break us and bring us into their world through deception and fear. I know read a lot into this book but I guess that is what I needed at this time of my life. Because of her love for her child she was willing to sacrifice all that she had so that Renesmee could live and love. Isn’t that what a mother (and father) does? 
oh, I hate to say it but “politics” is plaguing me. I am not a “politics” person in fact I will be the first to admit “I know nothing” but because of the state of this nation and our world I find that I must give in and actually do some research. I feel like I have to go to school and take a class that I don’t want to take. There is no motivation to do the homework except I want to pass the test in the end. Only this test there is no right or wrong answer, you just have to be able to explain why in a big essay format. With that being said I must say I hate this time of voting and choosing- I hate all the spam that we get supporting one candidate or the other, I hate the exaggerated, lack of detail ads we see all over the media, I hate the back biting that goes along with having different opinions. I hate the lack of respect others have for someone who doesn’t see things the same as they do. I hate the blame that is put on the previous president or party. I hate that we (and I mean as a nation) don’t take responsibility for ourselves and that we expect our government to for us what we should be doing for ourselves. That being said I will do my homework and make an informed decision based on what I believe to be the lesser of 2 evils- so far neither candidate gets a high rating in my book so it will come down to which one is closer to my ideals. I may be in the clouds, I may be uninformed, I may not know everything but I have an idea of the kind of world I want to live in and I have hope that someday it will come to pass. Until then I must do my part, I must lead by example and live in such a way as to be part of the world that I dream of. It starts with me doing my part and not blaming someone else for the problems I have. It starts with me changing my attitude and instead of living in a “me” world living in a “we” world, what works for me may not be the answer for someone else but it is my responsibility to find a way so that we can live together as a unified whole. How that will happen…well I have my ideas and you have yours! Let’s just find a way to bring those ideas together.
and this is off track but it is something I have had on my mind. Have you ever had someone in your life that tests your patience to the core? I am not talking about the daily grind with my children or the off and on disagreements with your spouse but someone who no matter how hard you try puts you on the defense every time you come into their presence. I have had a few such people in my life- I know hard to imagine for those who know me. Most of these people I have come to respect over time and while I still get defensive I have learned to see their views and respect them however there is one person in my life who I cannot seem to find that respect for. In fact I was talking with David the other day about it and really frustrated at my lack of empathy. Why can I not forgive this person for the hurt that she/he has caused me? I was justifying my lack of forgiveness by saying that most people who hurt me in my life I choose to distance myself from but this situation does not allow me to do so and so I was explaining that it was OK to feel this bitterness because it has been demonstrated over and over to me that change will not happen. No more than an hour later I was sitting in church and listening to someone share the same kind of experience she was having and her struggle with the same feelings I am having. I felt as if she was sharing her words specifically directed at me. It is my responsibility to forgive over and over again-sometimes these are challenges we are faced with only to strengthen us. If I can’t forgive how can I expect to be forgiven? It’s not like these aren’t thought I haven’t thought before but for some reason I heard them this time and while I still find it a challenge my resolve is strengthened and I will continue to persevere. I will continue to find reason to love rather than hate. Not only will I be blessed for it but so will those around me. I guess the world needs more of this and if it doesn’t begin with me, where will it begin.
on the other end of the spectrum, I find myself again very thankful for the people in my life who cause me to ponder, meditate, and gather knowledge that I have not had or have not considered before. I am grateful to be respected by so many who feel comfortable to share their knowledge, opinions, and insight sometimes knowing that I don’t necessarily feel the same. Because when they do I am enlightened and strengthened by their experiences and feel a greater sense of unity. I have come to realize that there is more than one way to look at every situation and it’s not about being right or wrong it’s about understanding and making an informed choice based on your current situation or sometimes making a choice based on faith for long term situations. There have been people throughout my life who have made choices that didn’t necessarily benefit them but in the long term blessed my life tremendously. I love them for it. I would not be where I am in my life without their love, their understanding, their selflessness. There are people who come into your life and you know there is a connection that can’t be explained. Those connections never go away, they bless my life daily even after being separated by distance and circumstance but I know that someday we will be able to look back on our lives and see the purpose. I am grateful for all who have made that connection with me who have helped me become all that they see in me and more. You will continue to bless my life here and eternally.