Motherhood

What can i say! Being a mom is hard. Hard doesn't even get you started. I don't even see the light at the end of the tunnel (maybe little glimpses here and there). I remember being a child and thinking..."When I grow up I want to be a mother-and have a family." Helloooo-I can't believe my mom didn't discourage the thought. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing my mom is sane and she is one of my best friends. In fact there are several "moms" in my life that I know have done what I am doing now and they are happy- that means there is a light somewhere- that the glimpses are not hallucinations they are really there. I know this sounds like complaining again but come on...what sane person doesn't have thoughts of despair and since I have found writing to be therapeutic I must put it down on paper just so I have something to look back on and see that while things might be difficult-its all worth it. I can't say, with all honesty, that I was one of the easiest kids to raise and the fact that I was oldest of five kids- well that alone should be enough to get my mom voted "Mother of the Year." For her, and I am sure many other moms out there, being a mom was the most thankless job- if you are looking for immediate gratitude, which really is what the world tells us we deserve. When really when it comes down to it being thankful, truly thankful, isn't something that comes immediately- it only comes after a lot of hard work. And this world wants you to think that everything should be easy. I remember as a kid, all meals had to be made in the oven, over the stove or on a campfire...there was no such thing as microwaves. And do you remember the term, "made from scratch?" I don't know that my kids understand the concept...they think everything comes from a box. I also remember cloth diapers--none of my siblings had disposables and I had to help rinse every diaper out in the toilet before putting it in the wash. Now i cringe when my youngest poops his pants and i have to clean it up- the same way my mom had to clean us all up. Now i only have little kids, i haven't experienced teenagedom- unless of course seeing my 5 year old have a mental breakdown the other day because she didn't have anything to wear due to Grandma going through all her clothes to rid her of the ones that weren't "girly" enough. She spent 15 minutes crying and yelling at me, telling me it was my job to have made sure Grandma didn't get rid of her clothes. I mean come on, she is 5--I don't remember doing that until I was at least 13. Anyway, my point is being a mother is not about instant gratitude and its not about finding the easy way out. Its about working hard so that when the light begins to shine brighter and brighter you are even more grateful for what has been accomplished. Its about finding joy in the little things like when Nicholas says my name is "bu-y boy or li'l boy or pickel nickel" or when Natalee says things like "you know what mom? I love you" or when Alex comes over and curls up under my armpit and says nothing. Its about when I am mad at something (probably nothing) and talking very loudly (ok so we all know I am yelling) and Nicholas says "stop Lili , you hur-ing my ears." Or when Natalee says "I can't wait til I'm grown up like you so I can wear your clothes" ( We all know that is never going to happen- what teenager wants to wear their mothers clothes) or when Alex asks if we can all go down and eat dinner and watch a movie as a family. These are all moments where I can see a glimmer of the light in the dark. Now don't get me wrong the darkness isn't so dark i can't see and so I make my way through it with the help of family and friends who hold their lights a little bit higher so i can see all the blessings i am surrounded by. I am so grateful for the "moms" and future mom's who let me walk along side of them which makes the long and winding road a little more bearable. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have children that hold their little lights in the darkness so i can see the rocks along the path and be able to step over them with a little more ease. Being mom has made me a better woman, it is has given me something that I can never get alone- It has taught me and continues to teach me that while I am important, I am not the most important! There are things and people greater than myself and i can learn from it all. I am ME- but every day i am a better version of ME! Motherhood is what makes that possible!

* you can find the scrapbook kit at this site - It called the Penelope Mega Kit

DayDreaming!

Ok so I started writing my thoughts and this is what I came up with-- It's a bit long but it's my thoughts! Enjoy!

My List

I remember as a teenager dreaming of what it would be like when I got married. Maybe I am an oddball but that one thought alone occupied many of my daydreams. Of course along with those day dreams comes “the list”; the qualities I am looking for in a spouse. Growing up in a household centered on Jesus Christ and his restored gospel made the first three characteristics very easy. He must be a member of our church, he must be living worthy of the promises he made at baptism and he must be able to take me to the temple. Those qualities alone were all encompassing of my dream prince. Marriage would be “happily ever after” if he lived up to those things. The rest of the list contained traits such as a sense of humor, athletic, good with kids, good communicator, so on and so forth. What parents and leaders fail to say is these qualities only get you started. They don’t tell you that ten years into marriage you have to remember that you got what you asked for even if it is not what you thought it would be, they don’t tell your husband is not you and while he may have every one of those qualities they are not what you ever imagined. Case and point, I asked for someone who was athletic. In my mind I was imagining watching him play basketball or baseball on a team, cheering for my well built, main squeeze ,which is what it was when we were dating, however ten years later the athleticism is an occasional pickup game at the church that I have to shove him out the door for so he won’t play on the computer or want to watch whatever game it is on television that night and interrupt my line up of shows for the evening. The athleticism that I so wanted now comes in the form of fall football games, spring training and a lengthy season of baseball, and keeping up on the stats of every player from every team so he can have a detailed conversation with the guys about what team has a better chance of making it to the play offs that season. Oh, and the sense of humor. I imagined sitting around telling embarrassing stories growing up, watching a good comedy, and frequently finding things about life in general to laugh about in our “happily ever after kingdom.” Well they don’t tell you that the male species finds burping and farting funny to the point of teaching it to your children so they can do it in public and then laugh about it this quality alone leads to him being a big hit with the kids so there is another trait that I can mark off on my checklist the only thing is the don’t tell you he is a kid himself, which is why he is so good with the kids. Yes, my husband is a member of the church, he had kept his covenants at baptism and was able to take me to the temple and yes, that one fact alone makes our marriage a little easier nevertheless they don’t tell you that men don’t prepare lessons when they are suppose to teach for primary, priesthood or Sunday school- they just wing it. They do say prayers and read scriptures but doing it together is just too much for them to suggest. Oh and family home evenings- what’s that? Unless, of course there’s dessert, I know, I know I sound like I am complaining but really this is all leading up to a life lesson because while those qualities on my list were not exactly what I expected, I can only imagine how way off his list of qualities were for me. Okay, we already know his top three qualities, good looking, good mother, oh and she needs to be able to marry in the temple. First off, when we got married I have to admit I was in the prime of my life- I looked good- well at least better than I did for the next 10 years. I am sure I had my flaws- I could point them out to the detail but he was happy. However, I am sure he wasn’t prepared for the weight gain, the Saturday morning lounging around in my flannel pajamas, the ugly binging on oreos and ice cream with no care of what I was doing to my body, and the days I rolled out of bed at noon and wasn’t concerned with what I looked like. He especially could not have been prepared for what it was like when children came along. He had no clue that being a mom to children meant that I became his mom too. When are you going to be home, where are you going, are you eating those cookies before dinner, please do those dishes, when was the last time you cleaned your room? Oh, the list goes on and on. Of course, I could go through the temple with him but that was the easy part- now it was reminding him that he made that choice and he can’t take it back. My poor husband! I guess what I am getting at lists have their place but don’t expect them to be exactly what you ask for. Daydreaming is just what it entails, a dream- it won’t happen right away but if you keep on enduring you might have a chance in the eternities. Over the years and continuing on in the years to come I just remind myself that marriage is about giving. I need to give and give and give- without expecting anything in return. That’s a hard thing to do because the world wants to teach us that giving is only about receiving something in return. Now granted, I receive things but the trick is to realize it may not be what I expected but it is always something I needed. So now my list changes and 10 years from now I reserve the right to made more changes but here is my list now. Of course at the top of my list: that I can remain worthy to take my husband to the temple, that I can have a sense of humor-even when it is not necessarily appropriate, that I can become the kind of athletic my husband needs me to be, that I can be supportive of my husband so he can be a worthy priesthood holder, and that I can take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually so that my husband can know I care about myself and about him. Funny thing is that when I do these things not only does he get his list fulfilled but I benefit from it too. It’s amazing how giving leads to bigger and better things than you can imagine. However I am not clueless, I am still a woman and I will still dream about my selfish list, a husband who cleans (other than the dishes) without having to ask. Someone who shoves me out the door to go out with girlfriends, see a movie, to go shopping without me having to ask for permission or feel like I am putting him out. Someone who actually talks instead of listens and at the same time can open up to me about his deepest, innermost thoughts---oh the list goes on but I can’t take away from the giving so I will end my daydream here and come back to reality. I love my husband, he loves me, we love our children, yessirree, they love us and so you see, we are a happy family.

Housecleaning

Who actually like cleaning houses. I know there are people out there that like the house clean but do you actually like cleaning the house? This is my big beef lately. I clean and clean and clean, yet it remains dirty. I could spend all day doing laundry, vacuuming, mopping, dishes, organizing, tidying and still that evening it's a mess. Now sure i have some responsibility in that I haven't truly taught my children correct cleaning principles however, I can handle telling them to clean this and that it is the big child that I honestly do not feel gets how frustrating uncleanliness is to me. He plays so great with my little children and they love him to death, he will even play with me every now and then but (other than the dishes) to get him to keep thing tidy while I am gone or for that matter- just in the other room- well it's like, in his case, having to go in and get blood drawn. I so want for someone else to take over the cleaning duties- to actually feel like they care about what the house looks like even when no one is coming over to visit. I want someday to come home after being out and find the house in ship shape order and not even having asked it to be done. I mean geez it doesn't get done even when i ask so to get it done when I don't ask would be twice the pleasure. Talk about a way to get me "in the mood"! Did I ever think life would get to this point in life--my thoughts as a youth of being a wife and mother never resulted in this. I don't complain-ok maybe I do a little- but I wouldn't give it up because despite this I love my life. Everyone has things they would like to be different and I am no different but I do have 3- oh wait make that 4 children who love me tremendously-even if i do have a "moment (s)" every now and then. I know I sometimes question the love but deep down i know its there I just need to figure out how they are showing it since it is so different from how I show my love. I mean it must be love for any of them, especially my husband, to still want to be with me despite all the things I do wrong and say wrong. I am not perfect and honestly I shouldn't expect everyone around me to be perfect. Hey- whoever said writing is therapy knew what they were talking about. Blogging can be a blessing! Hope you got as much out of this as I did.

Mommy time!

I am the worst at making time to do things with my kids. There are always other things to do like the dishes, the garden, my blogging, scrapbooking, and the list goes on. However I have been trying to take time for the little things. My kids are the most important thing to me yet I seem to put them last on the list- behind myself. So on this day i threw in the towel and did what they wanted and I am so glad that I did. It's a great memory and they are still talking about it - over a week later. I love my kids and I love that David got home in time to capture this moment on film.

Remember the days!!

We were at some friends playing games and the kids were enjoying the outdoors. it was cold and a bit wet but it didn't keep them from finding something fun to do. I had to capture it on video!

Seattle Symphony

I have been horrible at blogging lately. I have a ton of pictures to share even some videos but I can't seem to find the time to get them all scrapped! I am trying to go to bed earlier and get up earlier but it will be a long process. Anyway- Needless t say we have actually been doing things- events I want to share and this is one of them- The Seattle Symphony!! David and I finally got to go--It was my Valentine's Day present to David. It was nice to drop the kids off at Gma and Gpa's- go to dinner and get some quality time together. It was even better to listen to the wonderful live music of "Hollywood Romance." It's amazing how music effects our memories- to sit back and replay the movie in your mind- and the events that surround the times you watched it; to imagine yourself as the romance that is being played out. It was fabulous and we both just loved being there. We would go again and again. Not only that but I was sporting a new look- just the day before I cut my hair again and colored it- back to my natural hair color. It was strange to look in the mirror and have to take a second look to convince myself it was really me but I love it. I needed something new and this just represents who I am now...as i continue to progress and discover "me" I am sure it will change again.

I am the one and only!

HowManyOfMe.com

There is 1 person with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Food, Food, Food!

why does everything have to taste so good. The other day David purchased some mint oreos- serving size 2 cookies! Who eats only 2 oreos- I proceeded to eat 8 (only because that is all that was left). Right before doing so I had reminded David about a little diddy by our favorite comedian Brian Regan. I found this on "youtube" and had to share it. I wish I could eat whatever, whenever, and however much I wanted but my psychii won't allow me to get back to where I was a year ago. So, I drool, binge, starve and obsess about what I can and can't eat. It's most definitely a mental issue- some days are better than others but hey food is so good! Especially shrimp with garlic butter sauce, cheese and crackers, chips and dip, cinnamon rolls, fresh baked cookies and tall glass of milk! I bet you will all be running to the kitchen after reading this and will thank me later.

*click on "this on 'youtube'" to see Brian Regan's stand up- He is so funny!