What can i say! Being a mom is hard. Hard doesn't even get you started. I don't even see the light at the end of the tunnel (maybe little glimpses here and there). I remember being a child and thinking..."When I grow up I want to be a mother-and have a family." Helloooo-I can't believe my mom didn't discourage the thought. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing my mom is sane and she is one of my best friends. In fact there are several "moms" in my life that I know have done what I am doing now and they are happy- that means there is a light somewhere- that the glimpses are not hallucinations they are really there. I know this sounds like complaining again but come on...what sane person doesn't have thoughts of despair and since I have found writing to be therapeutic I must put it down on paper just so I have something to look back on and see that while things might be difficult-its all worth it. I can't say, with all honesty, that I was one of the easiest kids to raise and the fact that I was oldest of five kids- well that alone should be enough to get my mom voted "Mother of the Year." For her, and I am sure many other moms out there, being a mom was the most thankless job- if you are looking for immediate gratitude, which really is what the world tells us we deserve. When really when it comes down to it being thankful, truly thankful, isn't something that comes immediately- it only comes after a lot of hard work. And this world wants you to think that everything should be easy. I remember as a kid, all meals had to be made in the oven, over the stove or on a campfire...there was no such thing as microwaves. And do you remember the term, "made from scratch?" I don't know that my kids understand the concept...they think everything comes from a box. I also remember cloth diapers--none of my siblings had disposables and I had to help rinse every diaper out in the toilet before putting it in the wash. Now i cringe when my youngest poops his pants and i have to clean it up- the same way my mom had to clean us all up. Now i only have little kids, i haven't experienced teenagedom- unless of course seeing my 5 year old have a mental breakdown the other day because she didn't have anything to wear due to Grandma going through all her clothes to rid her of the ones that weren't "girly" enough. She spent 15 minutes crying and yelling at me, telling me it was my job to have made sure Grandma didn't get rid of her clothes. I mean come on, she is 5--I don't remember doing that until I was at least 13. Anyway, my point is being a mother is not about instant gratitude and its not about finding the easy way out. Its about working hard so that when the light begins to shine brighter and brighter you are even more grateful for what has been accomplished. Its about finding joy in the little things like when Nicholas says my name is "bu-y boy or li'l boy or pickel nickel" or when Natalee says things like "you know what mom? I love you" or when Alex comes over and curls up under my armpit and says nothing. Its about when I am mad at something (probably nothing) and talking very loudly (ok so we all know I am yelling) and Nicholas says "stop Lili , you hur-ing my ears." Or when Natalee says "I can't wait til I'm grown up like you so I can wear your clothes" ( We all know that is never going to happen- what teenager wants to wear their mothers clothes) or when Alex asks if we can all go down and eat dinner and watch a movie as a family. These are all moments where I can see a glimmer of the light in the dark. Now don't get me wrong the darkness isn't so dark i can't see and so I make my way through it with the help of family and friends who hold their lights a little bit higher so i can see all the blessings i am surrounded by. I am so grateful for the "moms" and future mom's who let me walk along side of them which makes the long and winding road a little more bearable. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have children that hold their little lights in the darkness so i can see the rocks along the path and be able to step over them with a little more ease. Being mom has made me a better woman, it is has given me something that I can never get alone- It has taught me and continues to teach me that while I am important, I am not the most important! There are things and people greater than myself and i can learn from it all. I am ME- but every day i am a better version of ME! Motherhood is what makes that possible!
* you can find the scrapbook kit at this site - It called the Penelope Mega Kit
6 comments:
what a beautiful picture of you all..and thank goodness you are honest about whats going on with you. I hate going to some blogs and it seems like its all peaches and cream. I love lots of being a mom but a heck of a lot of it is just one big character building exercise! haha
Amen sister.
Lili, what you said is a masterpiece! I think everyone should read it when they have their "down" days, weeks, or months. We all have felt that way and when I was raising my kids, I would have loved that someone I was close to could have shared their feelings as you did so well! Instead, I just withdrew and felt guilty! You're very good and putting your feelings into words! Thanks!
P.S. And I have learned over the years these mothering years are your most important "growing" years. They are "windows of opportunities" that may never pass our way again!
Lili thanks for sharing your thoughts on motherhood. It is true. I only have one kid, so I don't feel as crazy as you do yet. But it is such an adjustment becoming a mom. My mom said that the first child is the hardest because everything changes. I use to want lots of kids but after having one I am not sure anymore. What you said will come in handy when your kids are raising their children.
what i find amazing is that if someone asked me to explain my thoughts on motherhood, my answer could be completely different on any given day! some days i absolutely love it and other days i feel bogged down and i just wish i could escape for a day... or a week!
i am thankfull though that i never had to rinse poopy diapers in the toilet though! ;)
I love your posts. We all feel those emotions. But we all love being moms too. I hope you had a good visit with your family over the weekend.
We will talk soon!
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